I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
