mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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