Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
