sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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