My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
