"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
