Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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