Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
