His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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