All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
