If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
