I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
