you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
