I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
