If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
