i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
