New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize