Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize