I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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