Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
