Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
