Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize