don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize