Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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