Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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