3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just invented taco cereal.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
