angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
