Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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