Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
