Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
