So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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