my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
