i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
