If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
