I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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