Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
