it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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