I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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