come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
