I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
