I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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