I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
