how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
