I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
