i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
