i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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