is your mom at the bar?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
