don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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