Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
