you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
