just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
