On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
