she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize