My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
