We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
