My Higher Power is John Stamos
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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