I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
