a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
