Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
