Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
