I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize