We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
