Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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