i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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