Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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