Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
