I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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