So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
