I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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