Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
