Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
