I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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