Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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