Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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