Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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