Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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