I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
