We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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