Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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