He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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