last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
