I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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