I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
